Brain puke: do I divorce or do I deal?

[Locke]

This is a difficult topic for me to talk about. To be quite frank, this is the first I've let it slip out in a "public" sort of fashion. I just gotta make this thought process "physical" and I gotta let my brain feel it out. If you read this and it suddenly gets deleted, don't be surprised and don't think it's anything you did wrong. I'm 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% positive my wife doesn't know this place even exists, but I'm a very guilty feeling person by nature so if it disappears it was guilt eating me or my wife murdered me.

If anyone is familiar with the show, The Big Bang Theory, I am very much Leonard in almost every aspect (minus being usefully intelligent), and my wife is very much Penny (minus trying to give a damn, be romantic, etc - and also not nearly as hot, but still too hot for me 'cause I'm fat) - basically I'm the romantic girly person, she's the careless ignorant "dude."

Our 8 year anniversary is coming up in June, and the last time we had sex was very shortly after our 7th anniversary. She blames me. She says I never ask. I ask. I'm a dude. lol. She wouldn't have the opportunity to tell me I didn't ask if I didn't ask her why in the first place! Such logic. Usually I'm met with excuses such as "tiredness" but I know the real reason. Her and her sister come from a religious family.. and yes, I understand most of you are super atheist and you think every person that could possibly believe in Christ must be crazy as shit, but this is not really the case. Her family is the best family on this planet, as far as I'm concerned.. and it's funny coming from me because most everyone I know tells me that's how -my- family is, but there are really strong differences. My family is religious, too, but they are also drunken party animals. Anyhoo..

Her sister was the nicest little kid I ever knew. She grew up with us, our marriage, etc.. She was a big Star Wars and Harry Potter nerd. Smart.. beautiful. Got a full ride scholarship to become a doctor! God we were proud. Then one day, suddenly, without warning or notice, she quit school. She ran off with some douchebag coke dealer. She's been 100% horrible ever since. She's worse than the kind of behavior you'd expect from someone who was raised in a family that beat and tortured and raped her and afterwards aborted her children. I don't say this for shock value, I say this as fact - she's damaged and broken goods and nothing EVER went wrong in her life. Her family is wonderful, they're my family now and as I previously stated they're nicer than my own family who are very popular with anyone of my friends..

After all of this happened, my wife just.. shut down. No amount of talking, comforting, anything, will help. She's busted. Because of her severe aggression towards her sister, no form of mind altering substances are tolerated. No drinks, no smokes, no nothing. Probably wouldn't be a big factor but we met because I was hungover and late to a class we both had (day after my 21st bday party, first time in my life I ever drank because I was a douchey prude), we drank during our first date, and we had to drink after our wedding because the stress was real (forget bridezilla, meet MOMzilla).

Shortly after her sister pulled this number on her and things went south, something got posted on her Facebook account (her sister, not my wife). It was a girl claiming that my wife's sister's husband had drugged and raped someone. This spawned an enormous fight, in public, that basically boiled down to a proclaimed threesome with every kind of sex you can think of (and how much she, the sister in question, enjoyed it), anal, oral, back to anal after oral (yes, that detailed), and so on and so forth. This might sound "fun" to some of you (I remember the butt topics) and I also realize that the majority of you are atheist, but this kind of behavior is absolutely NOT what we are taught or brought up with or tolerate or appreciate or even want to acknowledge. And it's so hard for me to explain to you the pain it puts someone religious through. It's like finding out your sister is a pornstar, maybe it's worse, I don't know. But my wife's mother.. father.. GRANDPARENTS.. saw this shit her sister was posting.

Anyway, in the end, my wife is a broken husk (husque?) of a sexual partner. The idea of sex disgusts her after experiencing all of.. this. I wouldn't blame her, I can't blame her, but I'm a stupid fucking guy, my dick is my dick and he has needs. No matter what I do or say, I'm no support. If I get sick, I'm a nuisance, if I have needs, I'm a nuisance, if I am typically dumb, I'm a nuisance, if I drink, I'm dead to her, etc. etc. I've tried everything. And I love my son. He's the sweetest kid in the world and he DOESN'T get that from me, he gets it from his mommy. What he gets from me is his sensitive side, he cries about dumb things but also cries about emotional things that make sense to cry about. He's the best child in the world, and I don't think I"m being biased because perfect strangers give him toys when we're out in public and I've never seen that. He's just such a sweet, nice, wonderful kid.. and he comes from the amalgamation of two decent people (I'd like to think) but now one has turned horribly bitter.

I just don't know what to do. "In sickness or in health" as they say. And I love my son and can't imagine putting him in a home where mommy and daddy separated. We don't fight, at least not when he's awake.. We try not to anyway.

I understand a good percentage of you are single so I really don't expect advice or replies.. It's nice to put this down long enough for me to read, however. And again, it will probably vanish when I come to terms with it and delete it.

Thanks!

[SlightlyJames]

Sounds like a strange situation, I won't act like I know your wife because I don't but going solely off the description you're giving she seems to be acting very unfairly. I don't know how much you've spoken to her directly about the situation but perhaps you should bring up some of the things you've written here and explain how she's making you feel. It doesn't seem right that your wife would shut you out and be distant towards you because your sister in law decided to fuck up her life.

[War Daddy]

If you aren't happy, get out. I refuse to stay in toxic situations.

[Locke]

Sounds like a strange situation, I won't act like I know your wife because I don't but going solely off the description you're giving she seems to be acting very unfairly. I don't know how much you've spoken to her directly about the situation but perhaps you should bring up some of the things you've written here and explain how she's making you feel. It doesn't seem right that your wife would shut you out and be distant towards you because your sister in law decided to fuck up her life.

I've tried to talk a TON. I'm a talkative bastard if you couldn't tell from on here. But.. she's the kind of person that just gets huffy and walks away or won't listen.

[Locke]

If you aren't happy, get out. I refuse to stay in toxic situations.

Yeah but you lick assholes so you're automatically out of this. bua hahahahaha

[Hanley!]

It's hard to give advice when we don't know too much about the situation. It sucks that you and your wife don't have sex anymore, but how is your relationship outside of that? It sounds like she's maybe not being supportive to you in other ways too? That's more of a problem. At least it sounds like you're not the cause of her current hang ups about sex, even if this lack of intimacy is putting a strain on your relationship.

I really don't know how bad things have gotten yet, but as someone who's getting married in a few months, this is my take on the whole thing: divorce should always be the last option. I don't disagree with divorce as a concept, but marriage is supposed to be for life. It's making a commitment to somebody else. And I think making that commitment means that you refuse to break up with this person without trying everything first. You can just split up with a girlfriend or a partner, but with a wife, I think if problems come up then you have to explore other options.

You can talk to her about couples counselling (sounds like she might benefit from that for other reasons too). You can talk about breaking from your usual routine. Or you can maybe create a routine: sometimes forcing yourself to do something is the best way to break out of a pattern, and you can end up enjoying it. For example a lot of people try to improve their sex lives by setting a particular time in the week to have sex. Sounds weird but apparently it works. Or you could try doing more stuff with her family, or try to reconnect with her sister somehow.

Particularly given you have a kid together, I think you have to make the effort. That's how I feel about it anyway. There's too much to lose if you get divorced. Eventually, if she refuses to engage and refuses to do anything at all to try and save the marriage, then I guess divorce is the only option, but before you get to that point I'd be trying every crazy idea under the sun to make things work.

[War Daddy]

If you aren't happy, get out. I refuse to stay in toxic situations.

Yeah but you lick assholes so you're automatically out of this. bua hahahahaha

Still getting laid.

[Daz]

So last year my parents separated because my father thought his mid-life crisis and his dick were more important than the rest of us. As a result, my siblings and I haven't seen or spoken to him for about 9 months now. So maybe my opinion is bias and I'm seeing this from the other side of the fence, so to speak. Getting your dick wet isn't gonna make you happy in the long run. Solving your problems with your wife, by either having a very difficult conversation about the way you feel, or counselling, seems like the better alternative.

The praise and whatnot you heap on your wife and her family here tells me that divorce/separation isn't what you actually want. And for the sake of your kid, I hope you can work this shit out.

[Locke]

It's hard to give advice when we don't know too much about the situation. It sucks that you and your wife don't have sex anymore, but how is your relationship outside of that? It sounds like she's maybe not being supportive to you in other ways too? That's more of a problem. At least it sounds like you're not the cause of her current hang ups about sex, even if this lack of intimacy is putting a strain on your relationship.

I really don't know how bad things have gotten yet, but as someone who's getting married in a few months, this is my take on the whole thing: divorce should always be the last option. I don't disagree with divorce as a concept, but marriage is supposed to be for life. It's making a commitment to somebody else. And I think making that commitment means that you refuse to break up with this person without trying everything first. You can just split up with a girlfriend or a partner, but with a wife, I think if problems come up then you have to explore other options.

You can talk to her about couples counselling (sounds like she might benefit from that for other reasons too). You can talk about breaking from your usual routine. Or you can maybe create a routine: sometimes forcing yourself to do something is the best way to break out of a pattern, and you can end up enjoying it. For example a lot of people try to improve their sex lives by setting a particular time in the week to have sex. Sounds weird but apparently it works. Or you could try doing more stuff with her family, or try to reconnect with her sister somehow.

Particularly given you have a kid together, I think you have to make the effort. That's how I feel about it anyway. There's too much to lose if you get divorced. Eventually, if she refuses to engage and refuses to do anything at all to try and save the marriage, then I guess divorce is the only option, but before you get to that point I'd be trying every crazy idea under the sun to make things work.

Thanks for the long and thoughtful reply. Long story short, we're both very religious and divorce is really the last thing on our minds. On top of that, I'm not interested in other people at all. If we divorced, I'd just have one less person yelling at me in my life. I have no interest in other love affairs after that.

That being said, she absolutely is stubbornly stupid about both psychologists and psychiatrists. She may as well think they're both "voodoo" or something because she has no respect for ANY of it, OR the people that resort to it.

So frustrating as I likely need both..

[Locke]

So last year my parents separated because my father thought his mid-life crisis and his dick were more important than the rest of us. As a result, my siblings and I haven't seen or spoken to him for about 9 months now. So maybe my opinion is bias and I'm seeing this from the other side of the fence, so to speak. Getting your dick wet isn't gonna make you happy in the long run. Solving your problems with your wife, by either having a very difficult conversation about the way you feel, or counselling, seems like the better alternative.

The praise and whatnot you heap on your wife and her family here tells me that divorce/separation isn't what you actually want. And for the sake of your kid, I hope you can work this shit out.

You seem to understand better than I had hoped, and your succinct post strikes hard and feels good. Thank you!

[Hanley!]

Counselling or therapy is still a taboo with a lot of people, and some people don't believe in it or agree with it. I think opinions are changing in that regard, but it's happening slowly. It's sad though, as I think all of us could potentially benefit from counselling/therapy. It would be great to live in a world where visiting these professionals was more accepted.

If that's not something she's interested in though, I'd just explore some other options. It sounds like she might be depressed, so you could try researching ways of helping her deal with it.

Hope it all works out for the best anyway, man. I'm glad you seem to be giving the situation careful consideration.

[Ali]

Two words: Marriage Counseling.

Seriously, you two need some professional help in this regard. It seems to me that there is a bit more under the surface of things than either of you realize. Now, you said she is stubborn about psychiatrists, so I have one question: what does her family think?

If you have a good relationship with her family, you need to go to THEM. You have to be open and honest with them about what you're going through. It seems to me that you need some support in this matter, and we love you, but we're a bunch of jackasses on the internet, we can't really do s*it beyond offering some kind words.

And here's my other thing... if she has no respect for people who resort to mental health professionals, then f*ck what she thinks and GO ANYWAY. Seriously, for a long time, I viewed going to a psychiatrist as being weak, because my family just doesn't acknowledge mental problems. Then I broke, and I broke HARD, and I had to see someone. I don't anymore, but just that relief of having someone you can talk to who is non-judgmental can do wonders for you.

If you need help, GO GET HELP. If she doesn't respect you for it, then that's her problem.

[Highwayman]

Dude I'm only 17. My advice is going to be shit-tier, overall. But uh, I'll give it a go.

So you two don't have sex as often as you'd like...or, well, barely at all. I mean no disrespect by this question, but she's a human, as well. She needs it. Does she uhm...take care of that need herself? Look, I'm on the outside looking in, and I've seen too many movies...are you sure she's not cheating on you? I doubt it, she seems pretty devoted to her kid, and is very anti-slut since her sister did a 180 (sounds tragic, imagining some pretty girl with her life ahead of her falling for Chad Thundercock) and became a new person. This is ignorance, but I really don't think you need marriage counseling. It's not a two person issue. You sound like the same dude, she's the one who needs to sort shit out. She should see a counselor by herself. God, you seem to love your son so much, the little bastard is your world! :3 I really don't see what you can do to fix this shit. I think it's on her to sort out her sister issues for the sake of the family.

This is really a wall of text that makes zero sense so forgive my rambling...have you tried taking her out somewhere really nice, or having some sort of night alone where you can put her in the mood? I think maybe her guard is up because of the sister shit. The way you described yourself as the romantic type, if she saw you "going in for the kill" (I'm 17 lol srry) she'd probably react well to seeing you being the dominant figure. I don't know. Spice shit up a little. I'm not with the people who say sex isn't everything, most couples who don't have sex aren't very close. You two need to reignite the passion lol.

You could try her family. I wouldn't, though. I think it's something intimate, and with her sister being a whore on Facebook maybe she'd like to keep any relationship issues away from her family. I mean if her family is religious that overshare from her sister must have hit like a ton of bricks. I say deal with it yourself, between the two of you. Be that rock dads/husbands can be. Lose that Leonardness for a bit and take the bull by the horns.

So yeah if you want to fuck up everything just take my advice.

[SortaCreative]

I'd echo sentiments similar to Daz.

I come from a broken home and it's not great. My parents divorced after having problems and they never really tried to fix it through outside help. It went from we're married to earth scorching hatred and drama. While I believe that every human deserves to be happy, when you have children there's another element to consider.

With yourself and your wife. I know she many not consider traditional counselling or therapy but what about religious counseling? Or a therapist who is religious? Is this a real thing and an option or is this a made up thing i'm suggesting. You do need counselling together though. Whether or not she has some alone too (it might help), you need some as a unit. Because how you interact with her, also impacts her. Counselling might shed light on things you could do differently or things she does to you without knowing.

When life hits you hard it changes you. It's not really your wifes fault that she changed after such a hard time with her sister. I changed when my parents divorced. It could be a sign of needing help dealing with those emotions. I would suggest trying to have that difficult conversation, get some help and if it doesn't work out then, yeah. People deserve to be happy and that includes you. Just tick all the options before looking at divorce.

[Locke]

Dude I'm only 17. My advice is going to be shit-tier, overall. But uh, I'll give it a go.

So you two don't have sex as often as you'd like...or, well, barely at all. I mean no disrespect by this question, but she's a human, as well. She needs it. Does she uhm...take care of that need herself? Look, I'm on the outside looking in, and I've seen too many movies...are you sure she's not cheating on you? I doubt it, she seems pretty devoted to her kid, and is very anti-slut since her sister did a 180 (sounds tragic, imagining some pretty girl with her life ahead of her falling for Chad Thundercock) and became a new person. This is ignorance, but I really don't think you need marriage counseling. It's not a two person issue. You sound like the same dude, she's the one who needs to sort shit out. She should see a counselor by herself. God, you seem to love your son so much, the little bastard is your world! :3 I really don't see what you can do to fix this shit. I think it's on her to sort out her sister issues for the sake of the family.

This is really a wall of text that makes zero sense so forgive my rambling...have you tried taking her out somewhere really nice, or having some sort of night alone where you can put her in the mood? I think maybe her guard is up because of the sister shit. The way you described yourself as the romantic type, if she saw you "going in for the kill" (I'm 17 lol srry) she'd probably react well to seeing you being the dominant figure. I don't know. Spice shit up a little. I'm not with the people who say sex isn't everything, most couples who don't have sex aren't very close. You two need to reignite the passion lol.

You could try her family. I wouldn't, though. I think it's something intimate, and with her sister being a whore on Facebook maybe she'd like to keep any relationship issues away from her family. I mean if her family is religious that overshare from her sister must have hit like a ton of bricks. I say deal with it yourself, between the two of you. Be that rock dads/husbands can be. Lose that Leonardness for a bit and take the bull by the horns.

So yeah if you want to fuck up everything just take my advice.

So eloquent and astute for a 17 year old. I'm impressed, and appreciative!

Long story short, I'm very romantic. I tend to be a little anti-social during the week when I work, but on weekends I take her anywhere she wants to go, I buy her things she wants, and to be frank we really get along very well.

It's just, at the end of the day, I have a roommate. Not a wife. A roommate that'd be very, very upset if I got a girlfriend (thank God I don't want a second one). We're best friends, happy, raise our son well, but I'm the romantic one that buys gifts and surprises, she's the one that forgets my birthday/our anniversary, and there's literally NO sex. The kisses goodnight may as well come from me mum, so to speak.

[Highwayman]

Jeez man, I know she's the mother of your child, but she seems a bit self absorbed after the whole twisted sister shit. She has to know that after a long day of work, a week of work, you've got some nuts to bust. I don't get why she'd turn off the sex completely, it's not your fault that her sister is getting hollowed out. Why does she deny you sex all the time? Can she seriously play the tired card for an entire year lmao? What a weird reaction. Must be really confusing for you bro, you like her as a person and she's raising your kid....but no sex at all lol...it's unacceptable. Unless you're an old couple.

What do you want to do? If you divorce, you'd still see the kid all the time. I'd hate to see that happen though. Your son sounds like a good kid, he deserves the best family unit he can get.

[Locke]

She's a very old soul. So am I, though. I -would- have fear of her cheating but she's just.. not.. in need. To be honest I fucking envy it. It's like not needing to poop or piss. Think of how much that'd change your life. Especially as a male, how different would your life be if you NEVER needed to get laid or have a wank? SO MANY ACTIVITIES.

Something I feel I may have left out (but not sure, I'm not reading that fucking encyclopedia like you maniacs did :p) is that she's more or less been this way since she had our child, and during child birth she had H.E.L.L.P. (google it) and nearly died. But even when shit isn't scary, some chicks lose all their "want" after childbirth. Hormones and crazy shit I can't explain.

But how do you take a stubborn ass person who thinks therapy and "help" is dumb to get help?

In the end the only one that gets medicated is me.

[Highwayman]

Still don't see how that's an excuse to sexually neglect your significant other. Again, could be the 17 thing rearing it's ugly, horny head, but your wife must know you have needs.

Why not go to therapy yourself, come back, sit down with your wife, tell her what you and the therapist talked about, and try taking it from there?

[Locke]

Still don't see how that's an excuse to sexually neglect your significant other. Again, could be the 17 thing rearing it's ugly, horny head, but your wife must know you have needs.

Why not go to therapy yourself, come back, sit down with your wife, tell her what you and the therapist talked about, and try taking it from there?

Because she'd tell me the therapist was just saying bullshit because it's a "pretend job" with "high demand" to get money. You see, she's been through so much bullshit in her life, she thinks that because she can put her head down and plow through it, everyone can. Unless they're pussies.

Yes, I married my father.. weird.

[Highwayman]

Well what are you doing at the moment to try and repair things? What's been your strategy? Do your late night fights lead to anything conclusive?